Not much happened tonight, despite the scintillating title of this article. That’s a good thing, so don’t think I don’t like quieter nights, because I absolutely do. Here’s what did happen though.
In our jail we divide the jail into two sides with a hall down the center. On each side of the hall are the areas. The areas are divided like a pie, and are each connected to each other by a common wall and a locked door. This locked door is the way officers get from area to area when we do our rounds. We can get into the areas from the hall, but it’s just easier to go from one area to the next instead of going in, then out, then in again. So, the connecting doors are good, but it’s also “good” for the inmates because it’s the way they pass notes; something that is obviously against the rules.
Tonight we were alerted by our savvy control room officer that a note was passed between the male and female area (B-unit & C-unit).
This happens frequently, and we know it. We also know that we don’t catch even half of the notes that are sent through successfully. The usual way we are alerted to the note is the same way that the receiving area is alerted. When inmates send a note through, they bang on the door to get some attention.
Tonight, the control officer heard the banging, and let us know. Since, by the time we arrived at the door to the unit, nobody had picked up the note, an officer went into the “sending unit” and banged on the door again, only louder this time.
Almost immediately a female went to the door. Just as she picked up the note, I opened the main door of the unit and the other officer opened the door from the sending unit. She was busted, and since the person who sent the note was already caught, we got them both.
For us, corrections officers, that’s the only kind of sting that we’ll probably ever see. It’s not much, but unless I want to go the road (police department), it’s gonna have to be enough. Just so there’s no confusion: it’s enough for me.

Need I say more?

Tonight was fairly busy. I was booking, and the felons and misdemeanants just kept on coming. It wasn’t “crazy” busy, but it was steady, and sometimes that’s worse. But I digress…

At around 10pm, another officer and myself were tasked to take an old man to the hospital. The inmate was having pain in his lower chest, and had a myriad of other issues. He also had quite an extensive medical history, so it was better to be safe than sorry.

I really wasn’t seeing this as newsworthy at first, but after it was finished, I just had to preserve the night for posterity.

The doctor tasked to deal with our inmate was a younger woman, who had a sharp wit. Our inmate complained of a herpes outbreak on his genitals, so the doctor examined him. After she looked around a big, and with her hands on his scrotum, she asked, “Did you just tell me that so I would have to touch your penis?”

I just about fell out of my seat in silent laughter. Then Doc started laughing and the inmate realized she was joking, but for the split second before that, he really didn’t know what to say. The guy actually did have herpes, but the outbreak was inside his rectum, so it wasn’t exactly readily visible. THAT’s got to be fun!

The rest of the night was pretty much the uneventful, save for about the last 30 minutes.

My fellow officer and I were chatting, when suddenly the inmate started groaning, and grabbing his buttocks. He bellowed “It’s coming now!”, “Get me something QUICK!”.

We jumped up and scampered to the door to let the nurses know that we needed a bed pan STAT!

After a leisurely walk down the hall, the nurse returned with a crapper on wheels, which was wheeled into our room. The inmate slid off the bed and onto the pot, and let it rip.

It was long and loud, but thankfully not that smelly.

After the crap was crapped, we asked to have the pot removed. The nurse just smiled and told us that they couldn’t because, “What if he needs it again”. WHAT?? Couldn’t they at least empty it out? Apparently not.

Just before we left though, revenge was ours. Our inmate needed to use the crapper again, except this time, as he was wiping, he crapped on the floor. It wouldn’t have been so bad, except unlike the first “movement”, the smell was definitely present. I shouldn’t have thought that was funny, but I did, and it was.

We got back to the jail at around 3pm, and skeedadled out the door by 3:15. All-in-all… a good night.